Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Economics of Male Grief

It's been a bit quiet over here lately. I've been writing about topics that didn't naturally fit here, and also doing a lot of behind the scenes work at zen center. I also planted a flat of seeds, and hope that it warms up enough in the next few weeks to get the garden going. Lots of waiting and needing to be patient.

I have a new post over at Life as a Human webzine. It focuses on male grief and economics. Here's a short selection from it.

"Although it’s probably the case that socialization at school and other places put it into my head that crying isn’t okay for men, the day that solidified it for me was my grandfather’s funeral.

I was 13 years old. As one of the pallbearers, I stood at the end of the line, watching the casket coming out of the hearse. Suddenly, I felt weak in my legs and turned away, just at the time when I should have been reaching up. My uncle screamed something nasty at me, jolting me back into place, to do my “job.” I think I didn’t forgive him for years for that.

Later that day, my grandmother came around and told all of us “Don’t cry. You’re grandfather wouldn’t want you to cry.” She was trying to support us, but this is often how grandma’s support has been – kind of off. Anyway, her words that day, as well as my uncle’s, stuck with me, leading the charge of all the other comments and views I’d heard saying that men don’t cry, that we best be “tough,” no matter what."



9 comments:

Jeanne Desy said...

Boy, this stuff is sad, and so many of us get it, male and female alike. One benefit, I suppose it is, I got from being a parent is that I look back and remember being alarmed when my daughter cried at a sad story, and saying, "Honey, don't cry." What, just reflexive, her tears shocked me and I didn't want her to be unhappy. So, enough regrets. . . . What I notice about women is that too many don't "man up" when really, they should. Not disagreeing, I hope you understand.

red shift said...

Good on you to say it. Gender stereotypes range from obligatory heterosexuality to equally absurd diatribe such as "men don't cry". Real men aren't afraid to face their own humanity and the experience of grief in an honest and natural way.

Nathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nathan said...

"What I notice about women is that too many don't "man up" when really, they should." Yep, I think I get where you're coming from here. It seems like the over-expressing, easy to cry response is the opposite of never crying, never showing grief. Both are extremes that I think are reinforced by warped economic and social norms.

red shift said...

What Jeanne said...I just had a discussion with my son about a dead snake he found. He cried when I explained it was no longer alive. I felt heartbroken myself, not over the snake, but at having lost that part of native humanity which simply expresses compassion innocently in the way that children do -- which is so much more open and honest than any adult response.

Narda said...

I think that part of it was the times. 50 years ago, a beloved teacher of mine passed away. At one point, my mother said, 'You have to stop crying...she will hear you and not go to heaven.'

I never cried again.

-from a woman

Was Once said...

I have a perfect excuse with my brain injury, I have emotional lability. Does anyone understand me better with this knowledge? No, except a neurologist friend I have. One time seeing an historical film which took place in my life, I broke down audibly crying in the theatre. Another time at temple during the closing reflections. At least two Buddhists nuns understood why, and gave me flower tinctures, which incidentally balance emotions out, as well as acupuncture which I do as often as I can. I was crying for all of humanity.

maha said...

Sam Keen did a brilliant job addressing this very issue in his book Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man (Bantam, 1992) so do read it if you haven't.

Nathan said...

I read "Fire in the Belly" years ago. Really liked it. I should pick it up again to see what he had to say about all this. Thanks!