Living in the muck of my workplace the past few days, and all the thoughts I have about it, has taken it's toll. I slept poorly last night, and when I did sleep, it was dreams about "meetings" at work attempting to once again try to get things righted and back on track. I've also become keenly aware of how much I'm struggling with letting go of the potential opinions of others about it all.
Specifically, the following:
1. Fears of being viewed as a failure generally because I can't find a new job to transition into.
2. A belief that if I ask for any help at work at this point, that means I "owe them" and need to stay longer.
3. If I resign, the negative opinions that could come about a thirty-something man quitting a job and being unemployed in a down economy full of people desperate to find work.
4. A general sense of compassion-fatigue, coupled with a view that I need to keep giving out because my job requires it of me.
A lot of confused delusions, I know. It's very clear to me as I write them out how narrow and binary they all are. And yet, I also know that when I'm in the middle of it all, I'm struggling to let go of which ever one of these stories arises.
Some people tell me: just quit. Others say don't quit until you find something else.
The reality that I'm seeing how I have bought into the view that I must be giving back, contributing to the greater good in some tangible ways at all times in order to be worthy, to be ok in this life. This isn't sustainable, nor enlightened, and yet there it is, a truth of my mind on this particular day.
I know there are many others struggling with work issues out there, especially given the pressure cooker of a world economy we are living in right now. I, personally, want to transform my whole relationship to work and working in the world. So, airing these struggles is partly an attempt to let them go into the world. I also want to help spark a conversation about work and working, as it seems so vital that we living the Buddha Way have a more "righted" relationship to what we are doing in our lives.
1 comment:
I think sometimes we do begin to identify ourselves with the role of "helper" and forget that we are worthy individuals outside of that role. Also, sometimes we are all too willing to give help but have trouble accepting it ourselves. Remember, when you offer help you are usually doing so because you genuinely want to help. This is probably the case with most other people when they offer to help you or when you ask for help and they agree to give it.
I also love the picture you chose to represent how you're feeling.
Good luck.
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