Friday, December 4, 2009

Zen Gifts for the Whole Family

There has been a lot of grousing, and rightly so, about the commercialization of Buddhism. It’s troubling for sure, and I’m sure I’ll post more “serious” posts about it at a later time. However, since it is the holiday season, most of our non-Buddhist friends and relatives are probably in a tizzy right about now as to what to give their wayward Buddhist for Christmas. Never mind that it’s a Christian holiday trimmed with capitalist fixings, your friends and family must give you something, they just must. But what? What do you give to someone who doesn’t believe in a fixed self? I can feel their anxiety now, and so I offer these humble suggestions as a balm to what ails them.

1.The Dogen Zengi Memorial Zafu. Because it’s never too late to shed a tear for a great teacher. This hand-crafted zafu is specially shaped to look exactly like the head of Dogen himself, complete with a custom sewn scowl. This unique design offers the practitioner in your life the opportunity to sit those weary ass-cheeks on the face of a master. It’s a must have for anyone who reveres this greatest of zen teachers.

2.Do you have a little Buddhist niece or nephew? Are you totally baffled as to what they might want for X-mas? Well, fear not! We have the perfect gift. From the makers of Street Fighter Roshi I and II comes the new ultimate fighting Zen video game Brad V. Jundo. Dharma combat at its finest! With state of the art graphics and bonus clips from old monster movies, Brad V. Jundo is the perfect gift for the child that needs to let out all that school-produced angst and aggression. But wait! There’s more. Learn how to defend a virtual zendo. Learn how to speak Brad-lish. Learn the sound of one blog clapping. It’s all here and more. Get it now!

3.The Great Practitioner Lotus Flower Dharma Pants. Perfect for the female Buddhist in your life, these specially designed spiritual garments come straight from the slums of Bangladesh. Each lotus flower is hand stamped lovingly by a six year old that will get to eat dinner tonight because of you. Act now and you’ll receive a second pair of GPLFD Pants, hand signed by a representative of Pema Chodron’s neighbor, absolutely free.

4.Get the book that’s flying off dharma shelves everywhere! “The Art of Spiritual Materialism,” by John D. Rinpoche. Filled with dozens of easy to follow spiritual instructions, diagrams of the self, and hundreds of amazing life stories that will have you laughing and crying for weeks on end, “The Art of Spiritual Materialism” is the absolute perfect gift for that bookworm Buddhist you have nothing in common with.

5. Is your husband always late for dinner because he’s lost in the waves of meditation? Does your younger sister always use the excuse “I’m sorry. I was just sitting” whenever she’s confronted about not helping with the family chores? Well, worry no more! Gift your timeless practitioner the gift of time. Give them the gift of The Biggest Mind. The Biggest Mind is far and away the best zen clock on the market. Complete with scientifically-enhanced chimes tuned to the rhythms of the earth, and precision made hour, minute, and second hands, The Biggest Mind is guaranteed to awaken punctuality in even the most obstinate of practitioners. Purchase in the next 24 hours and your name will be put into a drawing for a free trip to Salt Lake City, Utah.


Adam said...

hahahah nice

zendirtzendust said...

Wonderful! I love it! As per the difficulty of gift giving to Buddhists - my altar is made up entirely of gifts people have made to my practice at least in there eyes). Buddha, Kannon and Hotei statues, those silly "Baby Buddhist" nightlights and Buddha-bank, incense burners, a wonderful prostration mat along with many other things. I enjoy the gifts, not in the material sense but in the sense that those I love are engaging (in their own way) with my practice. It honors me that when they think of me they think of my practice....

...even when it is "The Power of Now" by Tolle.

On a practical note though, a good pair of durable meditation pants are always awesome. I usually go with a pair of karate gi pants. They will last forever. I spent much of these last two years destroying pajama pants while meditating.

Nothing is more distracting than *RRRRRIIIIPPPPP* right in the crotch!



ZenDotStudio said...

very cute. I once heard it referred to as the "winter shopping festival! " that being said I always feel a twinge of guilt as I do some art marketing! I do struggle with this.

spldbch said...

I like your sense of humor:-)