Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Maybe the loud, rude, blunt smoking 20 something clowns that got on the bus, harassed a young woman, and then talked shit for the rest of the ride to my workplace were a sign. Or maybe it was my own reaction: the moment I saw them at the bus stop, I swore under my breath and started wishing for them to get on the other bus that stopped there. Ah, avoidance.
The workday wasn't much better. Students who needed more attention than usual. Lessons that weren't quite going right. A request for yet more paperwork to be remembered and filled out, all on my time. After two pay cuts and a slew of other decisions that have negatively impacted my position over the past year or so, I'm feeling generous no more.
This is where the practice is essential, but also where all the goofy ideals and ideas that you have about the practice come on strong. Who's that pissed off guy staring hard at those others on the bus? Who's that guy staring out the window at work because he can't find the energy to refocus? Who's the one sloughing off on the last few lessons, doing only the bare minimum? Who's that one swearing up a storm because of some silly request for extra time sheets?
Identifying with all of this is an interesting dilemma. On the one hand, there isn't a single, fixed person behind any of this. On the other hand, not taking some responsibility for the sloppiness is a cop out. On the third hand, clinging too hard to a sense of responsibility is just another form of delusion. And, in addition, thinking you have to always "have it together" is also delusional.
Seeing the perfectionism rising and falling away. Seeing the avoidance of conflict rising and falling away.
Sometimes, there's a messy edge to everything and no matter what you do, the noise of it all won't go away until it's ready to.
Posted by Nathan at 3:45 PM